You got me stranded (in your smile).

Reposted from my facebook notes. Dated May 22, 2011

Just this morning, you flashed me your beautiful toothless grin and there, I decided I want to spend another hour in bed with you – all the while knowing that by doing so, I’d have to cramp taking a bath, getting dressed, kissing you and your Papa goodbye into the 10-minute window I have left before heading to work, then returning from the door to give you another round of kisses.

And just this morning, while walking down the flight of stairs from 501, I thought of how much you’ve grown from the 4-pound little boy that we brought home from the hospital last December 24. You can now sit by yourself in your wheels (that is how your papa and I refer to your stroller) – a milestone that I proudly shared to my fellow moms at work – my Qube is becoming independent na.

I remembered how small and fragile you were when we brought you home. And you were yellow – as in jaundiced yellow.

Sunbathing to remove the yellow.

Qube at 8 days.

But being the little fighter that you are, you got over the jaundice, grown at the pace that your pedia has had a hard time believing, and turned into quite a looker. In fact, as early as now, girls already swoon over you. Of course, I am on top of the list. The English-speaking-pretty-five-or- something-little girl in BHS who came from nowhere and started kissing you the last time we were there,  the strangers who stop us in malls and at the airport to greet you and to ask if you are of foreign blood and not to be outdone are your Lolas and Titas who are understandably biased towards you.

There are many other small things about you that I should have written from day one. But I got so engrossed witnessing and marveling at your day to day growth that I couldn’t get myself to leave you, to write. Besides, we take photos of you every day… and if there’s any truth to the saying that a picture paints a thousand words, there would be several volumes of books about you by now.

But you see, I realized that it’s not enough. So while you are asleep beside me, I decided to start writing. And there will be separate stories about your first smile, your first turn, your refusal to do “close-open” until now and your papa’s insistence that it’s still too early to push you to “close-open” your hands, your first real laugh, your excitement when you want me to get/hold you, and many many others.

Happy fifth month Qube.

Rediscovering You.

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Now I know that this is part of your grand plan for me, to rediscover you. To realize that even while I think that I am alone, you have been with me all the while.

And solitude is your way of letting me seek you out, maybe because you have gotten tired of watching me make a fool of myself all the time. Maybe you have gotten tired of waiting for me to pass on to you the burden that I should not have been carrying in the first place. And I no longer have to tell you how heavy it was. Because, of course, you know that already.  And you also know that this time, I just might not be able to bear it alone.

Through solitude, you were able to talk to me again, because there’s the absence of noise clouding your calls for me to return to you, to reestablish the relationship that I have built with you for years.

You see, freedom has gotten into my head. And I have proven myself inept of handling the responsibilities that came with the freedom that you allowed me. But you knew this was coming, that is why you are trying to save me now from myself. And maybe this is yet another way of teaching me some important lessons that I would be making use of as I go through life. You allowed me to experience all these so that, when I come out of it, I’d have gained more wisdom and insight. And you know that there is no other way you could have taught me these.

And with me knowing that, the “feeling good” that I’m feeling right now is not that impossible to believe.

It’s nice to finally have gotten rid of the thoughts that are keeping me from being happy and from moving swiftly into life, the way I had been doing before I started collecting my own emotional garbage.

I could never thank you enough for reminding me of all these things.

Right now, I can go to sleep without a heavy heart, knowing well that you have plans for me. Those might not be similar to what I have planned for myself, but I trust that you know what is best for me and with you taking the lead, I am confident that I will be able walk the right way towards achieving it. 

put down your new god, and love me like sunday again.

While trying to get me to sleep, this song started playing in my mind, and as i was trying to remember the lyrics of my favorite song some years ago, i started crying. just like that.

i miss going to church. i miss having to give up control over and totally entrust my life to Somebody greater than myself.

Here’s my song, so that it reminds me every now and then how it felt like back then, when i wasn’t pushing myself too much, because i knew that Someone knows how to make my life better.

(i still haven’t remembered the title of this song though…)

Sadyang kay buti ng ating Panginoon
Nagtatapat sa habang panahon
Maging sa kabila ng ating pagkukulang
Biyaya Niya’y patuloy na laan.
Katulad ng pagsikat ng gintong araw
Patuloy Siyang nagbibigay tanglaw
Kaya’t sa puso ko’t damdamin
Katapatan Niya’y aking pupurihin.
Dakila ka, O Diyos..
Tapat ka ngang tunay
Magmula pa sa ugat ng aming lahi
Mundo’y magunaw man, maaasahan kang lagi
Maging hanggang wakas nitong buhay.
Kaya, o Diyos, Ika’y aking pupurihin
Sa buong mundo’y aking aawitin
Dakila ang iyong katapatan
Pag-ibig mo’y walang hanggan.
Dakila ka, o Diyos
Sa habang panahon
Katapatan mo’y matibay na sandigan
Sa bawat pighati’t tagumpay man ay naroon
Daluyan ng pag-asa kung kailanga’y hinahon
Pag-ibig mong alay sa’kin, noon hanggang ngayon
Dakila Ka, o Diyos.

 

 

 

There, a perfect description of how i want my faith restored.